Christmas and Holiday Jokes

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde.
She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?"
Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"
She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks
"Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"
She takes off everything and asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay! I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

"On the Table"

He laid her on the table.
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast.
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside.
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...
And then he stuffed the turkey.

Twas the night before Christmas,
When all through the house,

Everybody felt shitty even the mouse.
With Mom at the whore house,

And dad smoking grass,
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass!

When out on the lawn I hear such a clatter,
I sprung from my piece to see what was the matter!

When out on the lawn I saw a big dick,
I knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell,
I knew in a moment the fucker had fell!

He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer,
And a big rubber dick for my brother, the queer.

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart,
The son of a bitch blew the chimney apart!

He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight,
Piss on you all and have a Hell of a night!

12 Days of Christmas

December 14, 1992
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,

Agnes

December 15, 1992
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.
All my love,

Agnes

December 16, 1992
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,

Agnes

December 17, 1992
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,

Agnes

December 18, 1992
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,

Agnes

December 19, 1992
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,

Agnes

December 20, 1992
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely,

Agnes

December 21, 1992
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows.
There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes

December 22, 1992
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.
What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours !

Agnes

December 23, 1992
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long.
Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes

December 24, 1992
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,

Agnes

December 25, 1992
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,

Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole

How come Santa has never had any children?
Because he only comes once a year!

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?

Q. Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
A. Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.
Q. What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
A. They go into to town and blow a few bucks.
Q. What's the difference between snow men and snow women?
A. Snowballs

This woman walks into a tatoo shop and asks for a tatoo of a christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh. The tatoo artist say thats an unusual request. why do you want two tatoos there? So she says because my husband needs to eat between christmas and new years.

A little boy about nine or ten, was siting on Santa's lap. Santa pointed his finger in the boys face, and said " George I know what you want for Christmas! A T-O-Y." Nope! replied George. Then again, pointing his finger in the boys face. You want C-A-N-D-Y. Nope! replied George. Then just what the hell do you want, ask Santa. George looked Santa in the face, pointing his finger, I want some P-U-S-S-Y! And don't tell me that you don't have any. Because I can smell it on your finger!

The Top Ten Santa Pick-Up Lines
10. "I'll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly."
9. "I put the 'scroo' in Scrooge."
8. "I've got something you can hang a wreath on."
7. "One hour with me, honey, and you'll see flyin' reindeer!"
6. "Buy you a Zima?"
5. "That is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to see you."
4. "Uh -- yeah, that's right, I'm Kenny Rogers."
3. "I got your stocking stuffer right here, Shirley!"
2. "Giddy-up over here and say 'howdy' to your fat, bearded cowboy of love!"
1. "I've got an elf in my pants!"

A College Version of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.

Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
danced in their heads.

Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
would loosen up their thinking.

In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would be facing.

My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.

I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were muddy,
My eyes went ablur,
I just couldn't study.

"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.

I'd nearly concluded
That life was too cruel,
With futures depending
on grades had in school.

When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put It Off
Ambled inside.

Her spirit was careless,
Her manner was mellow,
She started to bellow:
"What kind of student
Would make such a fuss,
To toss back at teachers
What they tossed at us?"

"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Year's Exams!
On Last Year's Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last Minute Crams!"

Her message delivered,
She vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing
Outside in the night.

"Your teachers have pegged you,
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a good test."

Inappropriate Christmas Gifts

Li'l Naturalist Hornet Farm.

The Duncan Yo -- Goes down, never comes back. Teaches children about warranties.

5,200 Pick Up -- a jumbo deck of cards that lets kids play a larger version of their favorite game.

The "Learn About Puberty Chia Pet".

Supersoaker 9000: For use on those hard to reach targets; NFL referees, low flying planes, and many more. At close range it can strip paint, clean rusty grills, and dig utility trenches.

The Laff-O-Minit Spellin' Tootor.

Doggie Dentist -- Kids learn about dentistry on the family pooch.

Cuisin-Art -- Turns mommy's food processor into a spinning paint tool.

Water Retention Wanda -- Teaches kids the principles of the calendar.

Chocolate Covered Lead Soldiers.

Islamic Strip Poker -- lose a hand, lose a hand.

Mrs. Bandlow says to her husband,....."I had the strangest dream last night. It was Christmas, and our tree was decorated with all kinds of penises. White ones, black ones, circumcised and uncircumcised, big and small. And on the top of the tree was the *perfect* penis."
Mr. Bandlow says, "I bet that one was mine?"
She says, "Sorry, honey, it wasn't."
He says, "You know, it's weird, but I had almost the same dream. A Christmas tree decorated with pussies...shaven and unshaven, thin and thick lips, scented and unscented...and the one on the top was the *perfect* pussy."
She says, "I suppose that one on the top was mine?"
He says, "Nope. Yours was holding up the tree!"

A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas-after all, they've only known each other for three weeks. Romantic, yet not too personal. Accompanied by her younger sister, he goes to the mall and buys a pair of white gloves. The sister picks up a pair of panties for herself. But during the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the parcels. The sister gets the gloves, the guy takes home a gift box containing the panties. Without checking, the guy rushes the suspect gift to his sweetie, after drafting this loving & helpful note...

"I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she'd been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There's no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for the coming Christmas Eve.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.

The Top 15 Reindeer Games

15. Strip poker with Santa's granddaughter
14. Attach the Mistletoe to Santa's Ass
13. Spin the Salt Lick
12. Crapping down the chimneys of non-believers
11. Moose or Dare
10. Flying into the "No Fly Zone" over Iraq just to watch Saddam do a slow burn and Santa dampen his Depends
9. Bait-and-Shoot Elmo
8. The Annual Turn-Frosty-Yellow-from-50-Paces Contest
7. Scare the Holy Crap Out of the Airline Pilot
6. Convince the Elves to Eat "Raisinets"
5. Pin the Tail on Santa's Big Fat Animal-Abusing Ass
4. Hide the Venison Sausage with Vixen
3. Elf Tossing
2. Sniff the Tail on the Donkey
1. The "Rudolph the Shitfaced Reindeer" Drinking Game

ThE JoYs Of ChRiStMaS

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest.
This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!

Tommorow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.

I've had alI I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles "The egg nog is ready!"

He looks all around and with total regret,
Says, "What's taking so long....aren't you through in here yet?"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!

He flees from the room in terror and pain
And screams, "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh shit it's the pies! They're burned all to hell!

I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead?
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.

Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shakey and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I live 'til next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.

I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!

Twas the night before Christmas, Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
instead of "Thanks Santa", what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night ...
The elves want more money, the reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids,
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better,
the assholes from the IRS sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes- if that ain't damn funny,
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus money?
And the kids these days, they are all the pits.
They want the impossible, those mean little shits.
I spent the whole year making wagons and sleds,
assembling dolls... their arms, legs and heads.
I made a ton of yo-yo's no request for them,
they want computers and robots, they think I'm IBM.
If you think that's bad, just picture this,
try holding these brats with their pants full of piss.
They pull on my nose, they grab at my beard
and if I don't smile the parents think that I'm weird.
Flying through the air dodging the trees,
falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job, there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my ass and collect unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year and you know the reason.
I found me a blonde and I'm going South for the season.

Webpage Design © Mike McQueen